Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

So apparently there aren't real moms. Did you know this? I thought all moms were real moms. I suppose it's redundant for me to say "real moms" -- but then, I just sort of thought it was funny. Because when I see pictures of the "perfect moms" (and we know who they are), whose make-up is perfect and whose hair is, well, perfect, I roll my eyes. And then ask them for their nanny's phone number.

Sure. They are REAL. They're alive. They're breathing. But so are jellyfish. And inch worms.

But is that real motherhood?

I know my reality is not yours. What I perceive as real may be so far off what your perception is or ever will be.

In my reality, I spend my days obsessed with poop and decide that I'd rather just get out of the house than shower. In my reality, I want to look dressed up and nice, but I have other things that take precedence over that -- and they're not even important things. And in my reality, I cry more than I laugh on a lot of days. And I feel terribly misunderstood by most of the non-mom population.

So, when I asked folks to humor me with the Real Moms Meme, I didn't realize the issues it would bring up -- that moms who gave up their children would not be considered real moms and that moms who did not physically have their children would not be considered real moms. And that by the use of the word "real," I was implying that there were, in fact, mom posers -- you know "fake moms." Seriously, WHO would pose to be a mom? On some days, I'd rather be a garbage person -- not because I don't love my kids, but because it's hard to be a mom. And that's real motherhood.

It's hilarious, touching, funny, and tiring. It's full of love, fear, activism, and laughter. There's hemarrhoids, chocolate, sex, and lots of stains.

And it's way better when you dream in gold lame'.

Real moms are all moms.

You need not be invited to this party. All moms are welcome. Share your story. 

Comments

[PunditMom]

Thanks for the this post. I know mine was about activism, but as an adoptive mother, I truly appreciate the posts about all mothers. Now, my beautiful daughter didn't come from my womb, but there is not doubt in my mind and my heart that she is the daughter I was meant to have.

[Mrs. Chicken]

K, I heart you.

[Damselfly]

Amen! All moms are real moms. Look what you've started....

[Jenna]

Thanks for the link. It was a hard meme for me to get "into" but it was worthwhile, in my opinion.

Happy weekend!

[Mom101]

I think it's a cool meme (which I regretfully haven't made time to do yet). I'm surprised anyone would be offended by it. If anything it seems like a great opportunity to own the label, whatever your story.

[venessa]

I am sorry if I offended you, truly that was not my intention.

However, you asked for honesty and I posted it. I didn't think we all had to be on the same page. I thought that different opinions was the point of the meme. Or maybe I have misunderstood the link you included to my blog. I do that a lot.

Anyway, perhaps I will blog more on this.

[Kristen]

I'm not offended by any means. It's an interesting point of discussion. I'm just mixed about how I feel about it being a part of what was supposed to be a fun lighthearted meme.

We can all hate labels (I being one of them) but we use them -- You're Radical Mama -- that's labeling yourself.

And true, labels can be used to marginalize folks -- and still are. But we're talking a meme here.

I just think the notion that the use of the word "REAL" indicates that there are "FAKE" moms is sort of trite. But I do think there is an air of what motherhood "should" be that we encounter on a daily basis -- some folks don't fall prey to those notions -- others do. It's not something that I think individuals perpetuate moreso than society that drills visions of "the.perfect.mommy" into our heads and makes us feel guilty for flab, or feeding our kids chocolate for breakfast.

That's sort of the idea -- that REAL is your own reality -- whatever you make out of it.

Certainly no need to use the idea of "REAL MOM" to marginalize anyone or make it seem that was, perhaps, the intention. That statement is not directed towards you, Venessa, but to all the folks that are saying that certain moms (adoptive, biological) etc. are not real.

[Kristen]

PS...

I cannot control folks' interpretations of my original intentions of the meme.

I can, however, appreciate the discourse and discussion... That's why we all love mom blogs, right?

[venessa]

Thanks for responding to my comment. I readily admit that I can be hypersensitive. I can understand how some might think my response was a moot point, but it was important to me. I try not to censor myself too much on my blog, for better or worse.

[Paige]

Thanks so much for the link. I've learned in the past two years that motherhood is a contentious topic, no matter how you dice it. But I think it's important that you tossed this meme out there and got us all thinking. Thanks again!

[Amanda]

It's kind of sad the ideas people refuse to let go of... particularly regarding families. As a future teacher, we're taught to be ultra sensitive to students from different family backgrounds, particularly adopted/foster/etc children. You sometimes don't realize that an assignment as simple as "make a family tree" or "write about your family history" can create such inner turmoil in a child and in a family.

[Kristin]

Can I just digress a bit, to a somewhat related beef? Have you all heard the expression "real women have curves?" I realize it's meant to empower curvy women (who I envy, by the way.) But some of us are very skinny (and flat chested) and can't put on weight for the life of us. Some of us have no curves at all. And it's not because we're supermodels or ultra-dieters. It's just our physiology. Does my being skinny preclude me from being a "real woman?" I'm glad to see pride among curvy women, but does it have to come at the expense of us skinnies?

Defining something as "real" is dangerous because it automatically, by elimination, defines others things as "not real."

[Much More Than A Mom]

I totally didn't anticipate the hot button issue that this has become. I first heard of it here:
http://www.sothefishsaid.com/2007/03/where_i_get_a_little_ranty_1.html
and was shocked, but I do understand. It's still a great meme, Kristen, so thanks.

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