I write quite candidly about my marital difficulties, and I garner a variety of responses ranging from empathy to sympathy to even downright interventions.
Stop complaining and do something about it!
And quite frankly, something needs to be done. And for me, initially, it's the talking about it and the airing out of my grievances that gives me some sense of what is going on.
Or really, what's not going on between us.
I've had many conversations with mothers who freely discuss the difficulties their marriages have endured since having kids. And really, until you've had kids, the idea that things could change so drastically is barely comprehensible.
But bringing another life into a relationship causes havoc -- it just depends on how you cope. The difficulty with motherhood is that nothing really prepares you for what's in store. Labor is nothing compared to all the changes -- job, career, body, emotions, hormones, time, energy, sleep, sex drive. The list goes on.
And really, how do you prepare for that but to rely on your coping skills and your ability to work together and have empathy for your partner?
I've seen my marriage ship almost sink several times over these last three years, and I'm not saying it never will, nor am I saying that I don't have a part in it. But I will say that I am willing, challenging as it may be, to stick with it -- counseling, you name it -- because part of me has faith that it's going to work out.
Or maybe it's that it HAS to work out.
How about you?
I'm sorry. I really hope the grievance-airing you get to do on your blog helps you to some degree; your rants always make me laugh (and make me look like husband of the year by comparison!), but it's heartbreaking to know that there's real suffering behind it.
You deserve to have things work out, as do your soon-to-be children. But that's not the same as saying they will. Just try to take advantage of all the emotional support that's offered. Take care of yourself, and Go Have This Baby Already!!
Posted by: Johnathan | 01/18/2007 at 12:55 PM
You're right, having a baby does completely alter the nature of your relationship, and adds a stress to it that many couples deal with differently.
I think by having to carry and birth the child, women, on average, are more likely to sacrifice much of themselves to this new being. We have to surrender our bodies to the baby, in pregnancy and breastfeeding, and so we learn to give up some of our selfish ways to cater to the baby.
Men, on the other hand, don't have to go through those bodily changes, and as a result, sometimes have trouble learning why they can't be as selfish anymore. They want life to be as close to normal after the baby as it was before, not realizing that the baby will take up so much of their wives time, and take so much from her body. And for some guys, when they can't have the wife they had before the baby, they get mad, pout, or find other things to occupy themselves.
I'm not saying all men and women are like this. There are women who neglect their children to have their old lives (*cough* Britney *cough*), and there are men who seem to naturally fall into the roles of supportive fathers and husbands. But I think more men struggle with it than get it right at first, and more women are socialized and prepared for parenting than men.
My husband still has a hard time dealing with the fact that he doesn't have as much free time anymore, and this results in tension between us as I have to entertain the toddler, while he plays on his computer and ignores her. Having baby #2 worries me sometimes, because he's going to have to pitch in more, and I know this will make him resent his family for taking away more of his free time. But it's something we'll have to work on.
Sorry to hijack your comments with this long reply. But yeah, it takes a lot of work, and I think it's good that you're still committed to trying to make it work, and I hope he'll be just as committed to it as well.
Posted by: Christina | 01/18/2007 at 02:18 PM
Having children is unbelievably stressful for a relationship, and the stress goes up for each child you have, in my experience. But as long as you are BOTH commited to making it work, you can work it out. It is clear that you are commited, Kristin, the question is, is he? Be careful that you don't allow yourself to be mistreated in the name of making the marriage work - not only do you deserve better, but it is vitally important for your kids and their future relationships. That said, just as a mom has to adjust to how to be a mom, then how to be a mom to two (or more), so does he, and that adjustment can be painful as hell. My heart goes out to you, as we've been there, and are in another place right now, but still not fun. But for our kids' sakes, we are commited to figuring out how to make it work. Here's hoping we all do.
Posted by: FishyGirl | 01/18/2007 at 02:48 PM
Yeah, our ship rattles along the stormy tides of our marriage too.
I'm learning to live with it because I can't just run every time it looks not so rosey. (Like I'm apt to do)
It is frickin' hard and I have come to the conclusion that if it's not working here and I don't try to make it work, it only won't work with someone else either...Until I learn how to make it work. So I might as well make this one work...The time and heart invested in it keeps me fighting for it.
Good luck. I feel ya.
Posted by: Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom | 01/18/2007 at 05:18 PM
It is hard being married and having kids especially when your husband does not get that sometimes we have to put the kids needs first. It can get better.
Posted by: Awesome Mom | 01/18/2007 at 08:35 PM
I was committed to seeing it through. My husband, it turns out, was not.
May you have far better luck than I. I suspect you will.
Posted by: Country Mouse | 01/18/2007 at 11:19 PM
Ugh, marriage. Such a hard thing. Good for you for having such a good attitude and willingness to put in the work.
Best to do it now, than to find yourself, like me, 13 years in and FRICKIN sick and tired of the work. The same work. Over and over again.
But, much as I'd like to run or give up (and may have emotionally) there's no way I'm going anywhere because of the kids. It might sound depressing, but the kids do come first. (As long as you're not dealing with abuse or massive dysfunction...)
Anyhow, I don't want to be depressing to you... figure it out now so the two of you can enjoy every moment of this precious time in your lives! You GO girl!
Posted by: Jenni | 01/19/2007 at 08:55 AM
HEY EVERYONE...LOOKIE LOOKIE!
http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2007/01/so_lindsay_loha.html
It's TIME!! : )
Posted by: tracey | 01/19/2007 at 09:40 AM
I know that Kristen is busy birthin' that baby, but I just had to further the comments by saying that I, like most of the commentators, applaud your openess and honesty.
The transition to motherhood was really hard for me and it was made infinitely easier when I found a group of women who discussed honestly the diffulties and challenges (and not in that fake way some women have of empathizing only in order to show off their amazing advice). But, somehow, it's been a much bigger taboo among my friends to talk about the challenges to the marriage after having kids.
So, now, I talk extremely openly (much to my poor husband's chagrin!) about the struggles I face, both petty and major, in the hopes that another woman in the listening circle will feel not so alone and someday start a dialog. It's not about solving our problems, although there are plenty of times advice is good and helpful; it's about sharing our fears and feeling stronger as a result.
It's the same reason I read blogs. My favorite ones talk about all those things that you wish your best friends were talking about, but often aren't.
So, Kristen, take time to recover and enjoy your new addition! And, when you are ready to once again spill your guts, I'll be here reading.
Posted by: Meredith | 01/19/2007 at 12:19 PM
Having a baby really does change everything and unfortunately most men don't understand. Hang in there as long ss it is worth it to you, it is worth it!
Posted by: sunShine | 01/19/2007 at 12:21 PM
If it helps at all - I had a heart to heart "why are we even married" conversation with my DH just days before DS #2 was born. Of course there are ups and there are downs, and the faults are usually shared. But the question I ask myself on our worst days is "did this person do anything that would make him not deserve to not be in the daily lives of his children?" and the answer is always NO. How evil is it though that I refuse to get my tubes tied after our 3rd child is born born (whenever that may be) just in case we are not married 10 or 15 years from now and I decide I'd like one more? Of course, this is the first time I've put those words out in the world for anyone else to hear (or read).
Posted by: Pam | 01/27/2007 at 11:14 AM